CHRISTMAS SPECIALS TO AVOID
This holiday season avoid depression! Don’t watch any of the downer Holiday shows, like:
“All I want for Christmas is To Die!”
“’Sketchy,’ the Crystal Meth-Addict Reindeer”
“Dad’s Drunk! Happy New Year!”
“The Day Santa Was Beheaded by Muslim Soldiers”
“Frosty The Snowman with Diverticulitis”
“Sleigh Bells Ring…. No, wait, thats the CO2 Detector!”
“Megan’s Law: Why Santa Claus Lives at the North Pole”
“Rudolph The Red-Nosed Lymes-Diseased Reindeer”
“Mrs. Claus’ Christmas Eve Tryst with Multiple Elves”
“How the Grinch Acquired Arms-Grade Uranium”
“The Polar Express 2: No Brakes”
LAST YEAR’S CHRISTMAS POEM….
T’was the night before Christmas
And all through our place,
Three very anxious children
were all up in my face.
They want Christmas right NOW!
They want presents and cheer.
They want to stop behaving
until late Fall next year.
The icicle lights
I had hung up outside,
were so tattered and frayed
that I almost got fried.
And still to be done –
There were presents to wrap.
There was a tree to be trimmed,
And that sort of crap.
Tomorrow Christmas comes.
Pulled by Santa’s reindeer.
And as early as lunchtime
I can start drinking beer.
But that seems far off.
I don’t care what they say.
The longest of the year
is Christmas Eve Day.
Santa won’t come
While the kids are awake.
But they keep peeking downstairs,
‘cause they think he’s a fake.
To keep ‘em in their rooms
there’s one method I use.
I break glass in the hallway,
and I take all their shoes.
Soon they’ll lay down,
so I won’t go plum loco.
Or perhaps it’s the Benadryl
that I slipped in their cocoa.
And soon we had a trio
of snoring little tykes,
So me and Kara got busy,
but not the way I likes ; )
We did all the trimming
The wrapping, the décor.
Til I was half ready
to pass out on the floor.
And deep in their stockings
their presents were tucked.
To reward their behavior,
that by and large sucked.
They love getting presents.
about that there’s no fuss
Crosby wants a beach house.
to live in without us
Jaxen wants a Wii,
‘cause he’s such a gamer
Maya wants a sister,
And I can’t say I blame her.
But surely there’s no gift
like my kids bring to me.
They fill my world with wonder.
They make me glad I’m me.
Tomorrow my kids
won’t be pouters nor teasers.
But I forgot to sweep up the glass,
So – Santa, Bring Tweezers!
I’m happy there’s a season
When I get to say –
I wish you the best of everything
On this and every day.
Happy Holidays to All
TOP TEN PICK-UP LINES DAVID LETTERMAN MIGHT USE ON HIS STAFF
Top 10 Lines David Letterman Might Use to Hit on His Female Employees:
By Eric Ruhalter
10. Can you come to my office so I can try out my monologue?
9. I think there’s a place for you in Worldwide Pants, but let’s start here with you in THESE pants.
8. I don’t just want to be the boss. I want to feel like I’m “On Staff.”
7. What say we go back to the green room and get a mic on you?
6. I want you to know, you’re not just another CBS Page in my little black book…..
5. Hey baby, I’ve got your west coast feed right here.
4. My last guest got bumped… Now it’s your turn.
3. I need a few stagehands to take care of this prop.
2. Tonight I believe I have you booked on the Late Late LATE Show.
1. Tonight’s show may be over but I hope you’re ready for one more gag.
I submit that the world would be a much better place if it were possible for people to transfer from one to another, things like cold symptoms and other measures of discomfort. They are things we all endure from time to time, but too often they befall us at times that are most inopportune. Wouldn’t it be great if we could take them and give them to someone, and, later when it better-suited us, endure something for that person? We could use medical conditions and symptoms as a medium of exchange.
For example: This afternoon you’re going to your cousin’s wedding and you have this tickle cough in your throat that’s really persistent and annoying, and you know you’re going to be in a church for a long wedding mass. Yuck. Wouldn’t it be great if you could pass off your tickle cough to someone? And maybe, in turn, the next day when you were pretty much going to sit around your house and watch television you could endure a case of the hiccups for the guy who took on your tickle cough the day before. Awesome right? Right.
This process would manage itself in a s simple system of barter economics. You want to get rid of your nasal congestion because tonight you have reservations at your favorite restaurant and you want to taste the food? No problem. However, tomorrow you’re going to pay the piper by shouldering a few itchy hours of someone else’s poison ivy. You give and you get.
Going to a singles dance, but have a cold sore on your mouth that could easily be mistaken for herpes? No problem, just find someone willing to let it live on their lip for the weekend. But then you’re going to owe them and perhaps have to suffer through their ingrown toenail later that week. A pretty good deal.
What’s dangerous about this barter arrangement is that you might find yourself heavily indebted to others if you have a long run of passing off discomfort without repaying it.
This can wind you up in a really bad pickle. Suddenly you might find yourself bearing the brunt of many many many measures of misery at once. And that can really wipe you out. For instance, when it catches up with you, all in one weekend you might find that you have to throw up 5 times for a guy who, was out late at a rave party drinking fruity cocktails and the next day had to take his 93 year old Grandmother out to an early brunch. You’d rather not be throwing up all morning, but the week before this guy took on your twisted ankle so you could play in your company softball game. And maybe you have to endure the aches and pains of the black eye and broken tooth someone got in a bar fight because previously they sucked it up and felt your heartburn from the chili cook-off you went to without consequences the week before. And maybe there’s this girl Loretta who had a fever and chills for you when you had the flu a few weeks ago, and now, during her “monthly visit” she got asked to go away for the weekend by this really hot guy named Zack, So you have to have her period.
It’s a great concept if you can handle it, but like any credit situation you have to act responsibly. No such thing as a free ride. And if you default, the IRS may have the authority to foreclose on one of your kidneys. Don’t let that be you.
Learn more about ERIC’S BOOK – “The KidDictionary: Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids”
The Story Behind The KidDictionary: A Book Of Words Parents Need But Don’t Have
I saw my son looking in the mirror, admiring the gap in his mouth where his upper-right bicuspid used to be. In his left hand he clutched a dollar bill that was given to him courtesy of the Tooth Fairy. It was then I realized he wasn’t marveling at the missing tooth, but counting his remaining teeth. “What are you doing, Jaxen?” I asked. “I’m trying to figure out how much money I can get if I knock out all of my teeth.” he replied. As much as this disturbed me, I was also very amused. I thought right then and there – there should be a word for that. And I thought it should be a cross between the words “Orthodontics” and “Entrepreneur”. And thus was born – “ORTHODONTREPRENEUR” (ORR-tho-dahn-truh-prehn-ORR) noun : a child who is interested in knocking his own teeth out in the interest of a hefty payday from the Tooth Fairy.
From there grew many more such words which would eventually find their way into my book – “The KidDictionary: A Book of Words Parents Need But Don’t Have.” The words I’ve coined for The KidDictionary are what they call “neologisms,” or made up words. I suppose that makes me a “Neologist”, which is a title far more scientific-sounding than I’d ever imagined having. But I found that coining new words, or altering the meanings of existing words was fun, and a handy way to help chronicle some of the precious (and some of the maddening) things our kids do. You want to remember these things because sadly, in most cases, the kids are going to grow up. And when they do I’m told that they’re not quite so cute and that they’re going to tell me I’m stupid. (But at least I’ll be able to retort – “I’m not stupid! I’m a Neologist!”)
Some of the words in The KidDictionary are a combination of two or more words, some are just slight modifications of existing real words, still others are just flat-out made up because they sound appropriate to the thing, action or idea I’m trying to describe. Such as “SNOOT”. To “Snoot” is to suck in, rather than blow out, when you’re blowing your nose. Kids don’t seem to get the concept of blowing their nose. I’m not sure if it’s some sort of lack of understanding gravity or what. So they Snoot.
I was taking the car seat out of our minivan one day in order to vacuum the car, a ritual I get around to every 3 or 4 years, and when I lifted out the car seat, the volume of gunk and crumbs and litter and debris was astounding. I call that mess of stuff – “KIDDLES” because there’s currently no other word for it. Except “Gross.” Once I got started the vast quantity of child-related phenomena in need of words started pouring out uncontrollably. It was like opening the floodgates (or severing an artery). The aftermath in the cutlery drawer when you let your 3-year-old empty the dishwasher is a “SPOONAMI.” The site on a child’s body where you placed a bandage when they got hurt, though did not bleed is an “INVISIBOOBOO,” and so on and so forth.
After I’d built up a large cache of these words and their respective “KidDefinitions” (that’s a neologistic neologism), I went through my voluminous store of photos of family and friends and found pictures that could serve to represent each of the words. I laid it all out, and off to the printer it went. Today the KidDictionary is out there to be soaked up (or ignored) by anyone who has kids, knows kids, knows someone who has kids, or ever was a kid. Whether or not I’m an “Author” I’ll let the world decide, but there’s nobody who can walk up to me and tell me I’m not a “Neologist.” Because I am.